The Weight of a Newborn:
The Unspoken Truth of Postpartum Depression

Asking for help felt like admitting a terrible secret. It took hitting a low point to finally whisper, "I'm not okay." 

It's hard to find the words sometimes, isn't it? This quiet storm that rolls in after the joy, this unexpected guest called postpartum depression.

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   In the first few weeks after having my second son, I had become withdrawn, lost in a fog of exhaustion and anxiety. The arrival of my baby was supposed to be another happy chapter of my life. Picture-perfect moments filled with tiny fingers, sleepy snuggles, and that sweet newborn scent. And while those moments were undeniably precious, a shadow began to creep in. Looking back now I feel like it stole precious early moments of Teddy's life. I was constantly on edge. I didn’t feel the drive that I felt before and just got lost going through the motions. I was hard for my oldest son to not be affected but that just wasn’t realistic. It affected my entire household. The sense of joy felt… distant. Sleepless nights weren't just about the baby, they were filled with a such profound anxiety. Constantly checking if he was still breathing, trying to get sleep but everytime he moved I was up to make sure he was okay.  The simplest tasks felt just monumental! I felt like a stranger in my own body and life. Having little to no family around just made my heart ache. I longed to have people around that were for me and not JUST my new little baby. Andrew, is such a saint for helping me as much as he did(even if he may not realize it)! He really was my saving grace. I am one to keep so much to myself, especially if something is wrong. I’m not one to ask for help. I was trying to take care of everyone while I was absolutely falling apart. Everything from family issues, family passing away, and bringing home a newborn while I was having mom guilt with my oldest was all adding up way to fast in such a short period of time! I was so consumed by my own internal struggle that I felt like couldn't fully engage in anything else around me. 

I just didn't feel like the same person anymore and it was hard! I won't sugar coat it. ​​

 

   I had so many overwhelming worries and doubts. But in the whirlwind of new motherhood, I brushed them aside. "Just tired," I told myself. "Just adjusting." I was just trying to heal, trying to make sure I was producing enough milk for my son and for the freezer Incase he needed it, and trying to spend all the time in the world soaking up every single newborn sneeze and stare but it seems that no matter what I did someone wasn't right. No matter how I felt, did or said wasn't  right. My boundaries were "too much", I was "too Protective", and I felt like if I wasn't failing everyone else, I was failing myself. But finally enough was enough. The fog had lifted ever so slightly and I was able to look at my boys and say, "I did that". No one else. I am their MOM! ME! I didn't just go through labor but I felt every kick, every hiccup and got these badass stretch marks! I didn't do all of that to have ppd to take away these moments! I was able to take my life back and punch ppd square in the face. I let little moments last long like I didn't rush the middle of the night feeding, I spent that time "Oohing and aahing" over my sons features because I knew if I blinked a little too long, those features will disappear! 

But finally, en

   If you're reading this and any part of my story resonates with you, please know that you are not alone. Postpartum depression is not a sign of weakness or a reflection of your love for your baby. 

Please reach out. Talk to your partner, a trusted friend or family member, or your healthcare provider. There is support available, and you don't have to go through this alone. Your journey to motherhood should be filled with joy, not shrouded in darkness. There is hope, and you deserve to feel well.

Sharing my story is a small step, but I hope it can help even one person feel less alone and more empowered to seek help. The fog can lift, and the sun will shine again. You are strong, you are loved, and you will get through this.